MY ABAE

It’s been nine years of knowing you,

and still, it doesn’t feel like enough.

I remember our walks through VOK,

slow steps, quiet laughter,

the world moving, but never rushing us.

You would sit and watch me

as I watched the raindrops race each other on the window,

smiling like that was enough

And every time I came around,

you woke before the sun,

just to bring me Viazi Karai

because you knew.

You always knew the small things

that made my heart feel at home.

You listened to my wild ideas,

with that soft, patient smile

that made everything feel possible.

You loved me in ways

I’m still learning how to live without.

I still hear your voice,

on the other end of the phone,

telling me I’ve got this,

telling me to keep going.

My human alarm,

my quiet strength

the one who stayed up with me,

redoing my thesis again and again,

like my dreams were yours too.

And now…

what hurts the most

is knowing you were hurting,

and I didn’t see it.

You spoke with that same warmth,

that same light in your voice,

hiding the pain,

protecting me,

even in your final moments.

You were always so stubborn like that.

Always choosing me,

You told me about Wema

the land of love.

You were right.

But it felt so empty going to Tana River without you,

and even emptier leaving you there.

Did you see the roses I left?

Do you know how my hands trembled placing them down?

Can you feel how broken I am

knowing I won’t see you again

in this lifetime?

How do I say rest in peace

when my heart is still calling your name?

How do I say goodbye

when you were supposed to still be here

listening to my stories,

teasing me about the rain,

blaming me like you always did…

How do I say goodbye to you,

my Pokomo man…

How do I let go of you,

Abae…

When every part of me

is still holding on? 💔